Commit to Something Completely

“In the quietness of this place, surrounded by the all-pervading Presence of God, my heart whispers: Keep fresh before me the moments of my High Resolve, that in fair weather or foul, in good times or in tempests, in the days when the darkness and the foe are nameless or familiar, I may not forget that to which my life is committed.”

~Howard Thurman, For the Inward Journey

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So the title of this blog has been following me around since before I wrote the last entry. Being the commitment-phobe that I am, though, it is no wonder it’s taken me this long to get something down in writing on the subject. I mean, I know full well that the secret to success is commitment, but the fear factor is surprisingly high when it comes to matters near and dear to my own personal success.

Now motherhood is a different story. This Mother’s Day is a landmark for me and proves to me that I have made at least one commitment fully and well. The cards my daughters made for me infused me with great joy and confidence that I have accomplished my primary goal—to love them well.

And not too long ago, a new friend of mine told me something that nobody ever has. She said, “When you talk about being a mom, an air of calm confidence washes over your voice and I just feel how secure you are as a mom. It’s almost intimidating, actually. I can literally tell just by the tone of your voice that you have no fear or doubt about your abilities as a mother.”

It was a lovely compliment, to be sure, but more than that, it really made me think and I realized that she was right. I don’t worry (much) about being a mom. It’s the one thing I love more than anything else and the one thing I do feel good about way more often than not. Sure, I worry every now and then if I couldn’t have done certain things differently or better or provided more opportunities for them along the way, but deep down I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have loved my children the way I always promised myself that I would.

It’s so easy to love your own children though, that I think sometimes I fault myself for not doing anything above and beyond “normal.” But like I said, this year is a landmark, and I give myself credit for doing a really great job and I award myself early veteran status, since it’s been almost half of my life now that I’ve been a mother (especially if you count the life I am consciously aware of!). Ok, to be completely precise, I have been a mother for 40% of my life. That’s a lot. That’s an accomplishment. And that’s definitely a long-term commitment.

But now it’s time to add something new.

I recently started my own business. I opted in as a consultant for one of those big, home party, direct selling companies. I can’t tell you which one, for legal reasons, but if you know me, you should have received the memo. (If not, let me know!) Now most people would say that the only reason to start a business is to make money—well, not the ONLY reason, but the primary reason. That’s what a business is after all. Offering a service for payment. And yes, I suppose that is in my top five reasons, but I think that the primary reason for me is commitment.

It’s a time commitment. A financial commitment. A learning commitment. And also a social commitment. Now getting a “job,” in the traditional sense, would also be those things, but I wanted more than just a job. I wanted to grow myself. So instead of choosing plain old potting soil, I thought I would go for the Miracle-Gro™ variety. I will admit, though, that being in business for myself, with all of the responsibility that goes along with it, does frequently put me toe to toe with the fear monkeys. But I chose this particular company because the support network is strong and encouraging; I don’t have to learn in a vacuum. There is a wealth of experience available just a phone call or an email or a monthly meeting away! Their motto is, “In business for yourself, not by yourself.” Commitment plus support. Very smart.

But back to those fear monkeys. You know, the ones that jump onto your shoulders, screeching and cackling into your ears, making you all but incapable of moving forward?! No? Then lucky you! But maybe you do know what I mean. Take one tentative step outside that comfort zone and you feel like you’re in a nightmare at the zoo. Sometimes, they can be as subtle as a week-long illness that puts you out of commission when you were on a roll (yep, that’s what just happened to me). They are the self-sabotagers that I think all of us have had to deal with in some area of our lives, at least once!

The only solution is to get back on track, ASAP! Do one little thing. Take one baby step in the right direction. Choose to see the one thing that’s giving you fits in a positive light—or from a new angle. Refuse to make a complaint. Anything that says “DOWN!” to the fear monkeys.

Also, having a single-minded vision of the outcome, complete with the feelings that would accompany that expected outcome, will line your path with banana trees that will distract the fear monkeys and allow you to pass, virtually unhindered, in the direction of your dreams.

And then give the dream your undivided attention. Not necessarily 24/7, but when you spend time on that commitment, do it with your whole heart. Commit to something completely, and you will always be rewarded. By definition, when you commit to something, you pledge to see it through. By its very nature it requires ups and downs, pros and cons, give and take. Focusing on the big picture when the details seem mundane and on the details when the big picture seems too much to bear keeps you moving in the right direction.

And ultimately, if you’ve chosen your commitment wisely, and you are well-suited for the task(s), then it should be enthralling and envigorating to face the challenges. The fear shouldn’t be debilitating, although if you are REALLY pushing yourself, it can be quite daunting!

You know, if you never hear from the fear monkeys, you might have nerves of steel, or, it may, in fact, indicate that you aren’t pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. And hey, plenty of people get by just fine that way! And some people say that fear is an indicator that they should not advance in that direction—and that works too! But if you’re anything like me, you know that you aren’t doing all that you could do if you don’t feel a fuzzy tail wrapped around your neck and a little screeching in your ear when you start out on a new adventure!

So, in the beginning of my commitment to being a mother, I admit, I was afraid of everything. There were monkeys hiding behind all of the unknowns, and the responsibility seemed out of proportion with my abilities. Then again, any major, long-term project seems overwhelming under the macro lens. What saves us is our ability to focus in on the details, to use our micro lens. One day at a time. I’ve made it fifteen plus years as a mom because I made sure that the challenges of the commitment never outweighed the joys of the rewards.

These days, obviously, I seem to have plenty of banana trees devoted to the mother monkeys, but the business owner monkeys have nothing to eat just yet, so they’re awfully rambunctious. In fact, I haven’t really had a good dose of the fear monkeys since my first semester of graduate school! I’m a little out of practice and catch myself wondering what to do next.

Hey—maybe I can send them over to eat some of the surplus mommy bananas! But I’d hate to start worrying that my business is interfering with my mothering!

Baby steps.


© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

Still Craving Something

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I quit smoking over four months ago. It was easy! That is, as soon as I started thinking that every cigarette I didn’t smoke was an instance of loving myself, of being kind to who I really am via the body I live in.

I always knew it wasn’t the nicotine I was addicted to—it was the chemical flush that altered my mood when I couldn’t handle life. The boredom of grading papers, the loneliness of my life as a hermit, the pain of not being understood or acknowledged by my significant other, the sadness of living over 1,000 miles away from my entire family. There was always something missing, and I kept trying to fill up the space with smoke!

But, like all the other times I’d quit, I just started eating sugar instead: cake, cookies, ice cream, and chocolate. Oh how I love chocolate! Whenever I have had overwhelming feelings of any kind, I would run for something to give me the rush I needed to keep going. So, not long after quitting the smokes, I became a carb-aholic.

See, it wasn’t just the sweets I was eating too much of. Oh no. I started eating bread and bagels and ramen noodle soup. I ate all kinds of potatoes: mashed (with gravy), chunks in my homemade soup, and lots of French fries and hash browns at a certain fast food establishment within a half mile of my home. When ice cream was two half gallons for $6, I’d buy four at a time so everyone would have their favorite flavor! I bought several boxes of ready-made cookie dough from the girls’ fundraisers. I ate out too often and ate too much. I gorged and gorged.

I consoled myself by saying, “I can’t quit everything all at once, and hey, at least I quit smoking, right?!”

Wrong.

I watched in silent horror as I broke the promise I made to myself two years ago when I’d hit my ideal weight again after losing almost 25lbs. I wasn’t going to do that to myself again. I was going to love myself by eating right and staying trim. But when I’d grown out of all my clothes by my birthday this year, I knew I’d hit rock bottom again. It was time to quit everything all at once!

Five days ago I quit sugar, cold turkey. I started exercising. The good news is, I’ve already lost two inches around my waist. But I can’t tell you how awful the carb withdrawals are! You know you’re an addict when you sneak some extra parsley, celery, and cucumber bites and sigh with pleasure. I’m in lust with vegetables right now because they’re the only source of carbs I’m allowed.

So, now I’m faced with the source of my addiction. The utter longing. What my friend Camellia calls “The God-shaped Hole.” Now, when I’m not “busy” with something that engages my mind and body utterly and completely, I’m thinking about when I can next have some vegetables! I sip herbal tea and black coffee to try to calm the part of the craving that feels connected with ingesting something! I wrack my brain for something—anything—to do that will make me feel better.

Yesterday I did two workouts: 40 minutes of muscle sculpting (can you say lunges?) and 30 minutes of a fat burning, “special occasions” workout. After that, I still had too much energy; luckily it was time for lunch, so I ate and savored every bite of the grilled onion and bell pepper on top of my steak. Then I wandered around trying to decide what to do next. I finally decided to go looking for the diet book, to see when I could start adding in other foods and what they would be.

Apparently, this addiction thing is bigger than I thought! Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew it was big, but I thought it would be easy to kick. Get rid of the cigarettes and sugar…et voila! She’s cured! I thought that if I just put the focus on my dreams, all of this would pass away quietly. I can honestly say I really don’t want to face this part of myself. And by the laws of the Universe, that which we avoid comes back to haunt us.

So it looks like you’ll be hearing more about me learning how to face my addictions head on. I know I have described this blog as showing “the ups and downs of one woman getting a life,” but I think I was secretly hoping to avoid the downs. And that’s another lesson, isn’t it? Can’t have one without the other. Perfection is not an option, but I hear that happiness and peace are. I keep forgetting that I can be happy without having the “perfect” life. And maybe it will be perfect—well-suited—for me, but not free from challenge or change.

Craving perfection just doesn’t make me happy. But, I believe I can transform this craving for perfection into a craving for peace and happiness—one that comes from making good choices to create a life that is, at least, more of what I truly want.

Then again, maybe peace and happiness are already here, like Camellia says, and I'll just let the cravings go altogether!

© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

A Whole Lot of Something

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When my sister gave me Anne Wilson Schaef’s Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much, I didn’t really believe that I was a woman who did “too much.” Sure I tried to tick off several items on my daily list, but those were “normal” things that wives and mothers and teachers had to do every day for heaven’s sake!

So I asked myself, “How does someone who doesn’t have a job but does have commitment issues (me) fall into the ‘workaholic’ category? What do I do so much of anyway?” The answer skewered me to the spot immediately. I do A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING! I do so much nothing that I never get the great big SOMEthing(s) done!

In fact, my ability to avoid and shirk and dance around big projects with little nuisance-y things has been what has kept me from balancing my life and my time. The little nothings of my average life have been consuming me and keeping me from getting ahead: in my career, in my writing, in my reading, even in my parenting…in everything I say I want to do with my life.

Now, I already knew that 2007 was going to be the do-or-die year for focusing on me and what I want and how to get it. I had my tag words “Discipline” and “Commitment” looming in front of me. What I didn’t see was that there was “nothing” standing in my way. All those obstacles I saw between me and what I want for me were just a mirage, and I was creating all of them. I thought that the journey had to be long and difficult in order to be real, but here I was, presented with this “beam me up” reality.

The life I want is just a moment away.

And one decision is all it takes. Sure, I may have to make that decision repeatedly because it’s an idea that challenges my ingrained habits, but it’s a decision that gets easier and easier to make. Nothing and something are completely subject to our perception, and all that truly matters is that we choose to create the somethings that we want and not waste our time making somethings out of nothings.

For example, it is true that my family needs to eat and that I am the person who hunts and gathers (and cooks) in the family, so grocery shopping is, indeed, something that I must do; however, in light of the reading and writing that I want to do, shopping is much lower on the significance spectrum than I tend to make it out to be. So, if I expand shopping to the point that it interferes with reading and writing, then I am letting nothing become something and thus have nothing of substance to show for my dream pursuits.

(This made me think, Oh, the laundry needs to be changed out and I almost stood up! Like I said, I just had this Shazam! moment a couple of hours ago, so it may take more than a day for it to sink in!)

So in other words, if, at the end of the day, my goal is to have “something to show for” my dreams, then I must continually make decisions about what is “nothing” to me and what is “something” to me—or else change my dreams!

But that’s part of what this year, especially, is all about for me: taking the time and doing what’s necessary to find out exactly what my dreams are. And that’s what this blog is here for—to chronicle the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the overs and unders of my journey to becoming what Allyn Evans means when she says “Queen.” I am learning to establish dominion over my own life and to fill it with fabulous somethings, all of my own divining. So…

I hereby crown myself a “Queen-in-Training” (QT) and banish the somethings that are actually nothing! Please do join me on my journey into and around the Queendom!!!

© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved