Ready for Something to Change

Determined to be Queen shares...

Change, as we all know, is inevitable. Sometimes we avoid it. Sometimes we wonder when it will happen again. Sometimes we just live every moment like that's all there is and we never have to stop and label what we're doing as change. We just DO it.

Blogging sometimes feels like labelling changes. Changes in perception. Changes in activities. Changes in relationships. Changes inside what feels like my soul.

I say "feels like" because, of course, the Soul is constant. I'm not so sure we can "grow" the soul at all really. Instead, I think what happens when we grow spiritually is that we allow more of our soul to show...or flow...through us.

The more we resist our soul's true nature, the more miserable we are: in body, mind, and spirit. We block the Source of our Being with our negative attitudes; our addictive or abusive behaviors; our daily intake of empty calories, and various other substances we could probably live without; heck, even with gossipping, telling white lies, or driving aggressively. You name it—we are experts at blocking the Love.

As amazing as the human organism is, or can be if we allow it to be, the Soul is much more amazing. And truly, how we treat our Soul—whether we block it's light and love, or whether we allow those things to flow unhindered—reflects through our bodies, our personalities, and everything else that we can call a part of the Self.

So the Self is really just an expression of the Soul—the Divine Inspiration within us.

I bring this up today because I've been blocking the light and love of my Soul in certain areas. We all do this to some extent. (Obviously, otherwise we'd be angels and archangels or some such radiant Being, I imagine!) We're all great at one area of personal development and usually at the expense of another area. I'll use myself as an example.

Lately I've been expressing my creativitity and I've been exercising my body and feeding it much better than I had previously (i.e. no fast food whatsoever), I've made lots of new friends, AND, I even quit smoking—that awful, awfully-mean-to-myself habit. Sounds great in writing, right? Absolutely. What that brings to light, however, are the other areas that need to come along for the joy ride.

I'll let you in on a little secret. Most of my blogs are peppy and positive, right? To the point that some of you might start thinking either, "Man, she's got it goin' on!" -OR- "Does this woman EVER have a problem?" Well why would I write about the tough stuff? It's much more satisfying to write of the triumph of overcoming the tough stuff. Why wallow around in the muddy parts in writing?

I started thinking it may not seem realistic to have all the happy, happy, joy, joy blogs with none of the major challenges. Plus, the major challenges ganged up on me once I started having so much fun. (But that's an entirely different story.)

So here's the secret. When I'm not writing, I'm dealing with challenges. See how much empty space there is on my blog lately? Uh-huh. Challenges, thank you very much. And I say challenges now because I know better. It's all part of the changes that happen incessantly in a life being lived. What I'm still working on, a little bit, (ok, a lot), is a quicker recognition of the positive value of the challenges that really go for my gusto, if you know what I mean!

We all have those special little issues that seem to lay us out flat faster than we can say, "Halleluiah," right? I call them sticking points. You know, those things that seem to happen just when you think you've got it all under control (uh-oh! time for a lesson in letting go and letting God!). It's like emotional fly paper and you just struggle and struggle and you never can seem to get free of it, right?

Of course we all have those things, or maybe just that one thing, that throw us for a loop and remind us we are human, fallible, imperfect....well, you get the idea.

But maybe you don't have that feeling any more because you're an expert at "letting go and letting God." I salute you my friend. I would really like to choose the path of peace for myself too, but as of yet, I keep choosing the fly paper from time to time!

BUT. There's always a but. You know that!

Make no mistake. It's a choice. One of my greatest friends has reminded me for the past ten years that happiness is a choice, and I seem to have short-term memory loss in that part of my brain. And I'll tell ya, sometimes, when I am in the throes of my self-loathing and my Eeyore mentality, I really kinda resent hearing that it's a choice. (Yes, yes, all you Tom Cruise haters out there, sometimes medication is necessary, but mostly we make ourselves sick.) I just want to blame it on anything but me. Don't you? Sometimes it's way too tough to admit responsibility for my own happiness or lack thereof. Like it or not, though, it's true. I always have the choice.

So sometimes when I feel all cranky like that, I allow myself a day of sulking and say, "Tomorrow, after you rest, you'll pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get going!" It really helps to give myself permission to sulk, but to put a time limit on it. And really, sometimes it is really just resting. We live in a way-too-busy world, and sometimes we just need a break. I imagine Patrick Swayze as "Johnny" sticking up for me to that smarmy, slave-driving, rich-kid boss, saying, "She's taking a break Neil. She needs a BREAK!" That makes me feel a little better right away actually.

So hey, if you're like me and the holidays are as depressing as they are joyful and you feel like you don't know which way is up, imagine Patrick Swayze telling your family and friends that you need a break and then TAKE one. A REAL break. And give yourself a time limit. It might only be a two hour nap. It might be a two-week vacation. Listen to your heart. It knows what you need. And struggling through with a fake grin on your face is just another way that you block the true love and light that is always in your soul, waiting for you to let it flow.

When we are in alignment with our spirit, our soul, everything else takes care of itself. Are you ready for something to change? Are you ready to choose light and love? To choose happiness and peace?

Once you do*, you'll always have enough Self to share with others.

Happy Holidays Y'all!
Love, Nicole

*Warning: This is not a one-time choice. It is recurring. Daily is a good start, but, more often, it's moment to moment. The choice is always yours and there are always choices! :)

© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

Something Wonderful Happens... When I Say YES to Myself

Testing...1-2-3...


Did you hear me?

Really. Something wonderful happens!

Like what you ask? You want specifics? Well, let's see...

About a month ago, you may remember, I told myself, "YES, you may now take classes that are just for your own personal enjoyment."

The next day I quit smoking.

Just like that.

Wow, right?

I also went from being a stay-at-home-do-nothing-all-day-pick-up-my-kids-cart-them-around-then-do-more-nothing kind of a woman to a...

are you ready for this?

...get up, get ready, drop kids at school, go to class, eat homemade lunches, pick up the kids, run errands with them, cook dinner, go out to dance class etc., go to bed by midnight, get up and start all over again kind of woman. I even get up and do stuff on both of the weekend days now too!

I take three different dance classes, two art classes, a Saturday morning golf class, and a phys-ed class with cardio and machine weight workouts. This former smoker can now run a whole mile (on the treadmill) without breathing hard, and, ok, so I'm still pretty wimpy on the weight machines, but I am more toned already and I've only gotten to use them four times so far!

Can you say, "Halleluiah"?

Amen Brothers and Sisters!

So yeah...really...something PLUM WONDERFUL happens when I say YES to myself! :)

But the key here is that these are things that I have wanted to do, but have avoided doing. Please don't think I'm saying that YOU have to start working out or pursuing your creativity for wonderful things to happen. (Although, I have to say, those are pretty great things to try if they are on your "list"!!!)

You can do anything that starts with allowing yourself to do some of the things you've thought about but then said, "Pish-posh, that's silly. I ________________ !"(Insert appropriate phrase here: am too old, am too busy, am too serious, am too just-about-anything really; or the "nots"—am not talented enough, am not tall enough, am not smart enough.)

That's the secret—no more naysaying yourself! The desires of your heart whisper in your mind and you immediately tell them flat out, "What are you? Nuts or something?" And so you plod along until someone says with a sparkle in her eye, "When's the last time you felt joy? BLISS? Perfectly wild and utter abandon?" And you think, "Gee, I don't know."

It's not "idealistic" and it's not "Pollyanna" to plan for joy in your life. It's the difference between existing and truly LIVING! And if you haven't watched Pollyanna in a while, I highly recommend it! You'll remember that it's so so so much easier to smile and give of yourself than it is to frown and hide. And you'll remember how sorry you felt for all the "crabby" folks in the movie, and how you were sure you'd never be like them. (Ok, perhaps I'm projecting. But still...it's a great movie!)

And so that's it. Joy enters when fear (or denial, or judgment) walks out. So many times we don't realize that we're afraid to live. We're holding our breath. Biding our time. Waiting in the wings. Hanging by a thread. Balancing on a wire.

So breathe.
Go now.
NOW!
Let go.
Jump!

The most wonderful thing you could ever do for yourself is to give yourself permission to live the life that whispers to you. That still, quiet voice knows what you want and what will make you feel joy...what will make you feel alive...what will create a life of bliss.

Now if you just read that last part and you heard, "Yeah, right. She sounds like an airy fairy. Doesn't she know life isn't a bowl of cherries? Sometimes it's the pits!!!" Well then, my friend, you need to do something wonderful for yourself. Say YES to your guiding voice and say NO! to that censor that keeps you from "mov[ing] in the direction of your dreams."

Say YES to yourself!

Hold your prism up to the light.

Let it shine!

© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

There's Always Something to Choose (From)

Determined to be Queen shares...

Well faithful readers, I'm back! And from the title, you should deduce that I've been making choices that don't have anything to do with blogging—or do they? :)

This has been the summer of choices, my friends, and some of those choices have thrown me for a loop...or two. But the nugget of truth that I've been searching for the words to express since it dawned on me is this: there is always a choice. Always.

Now I already knew this, but, as with most startling revelations, I hadn’t known it as viscerally, as deeply, as soulfully as I knew it every day of my three week visit back home on good ol’ Cape Cod. And even after those weeks of watching moments unfold with wonder, I still forgot when I got home.

Becoming the Queen of my domain is hard work!

I’ve been making all kinds of conscious choices for months now and for the very reason that I acknowledge that I have so many choices, I often feel completely overwhelmed! So finding the still, quiet place inside my heart and mind where I can discern which choice to make has been my life’s work here lately. It is very quiet and often lonely work, and it isn’t always something I want to write about.

I’ve learned that I write to think things through and that my ideas about what a “writer” is and does are finally catching up with how and why I write. I have discovered that when I tell just one of my friends, in an email, how I feel, I don’t feel the need to blog. But at the same time, I’ve discovered that perhaps I want to write a new kind of blog. And it may look exactly the same on the outside, but on the inside, I’ll be writing it from a different place and for different reasons.

And it might just have to be another blog altogether. In fact, I started writing an entry at the beginning of the month called “Low Pressure Area” and I was going to post it on my old personal blog, but even that just felt like this, and explanation of why I hadn’t been blogging. Well, the reason is simple. I’ve been putting my life back together like a puzzle and I still don’t know where all the pieces will fit together or IF THEY WILL, and I just haven’t wanted to talk about it until I knew more.

That’s all. Simple. I’ve been giving myself back to me and it’s been good!!!

So hopefully, like I said, I’ll be writing about this new trajectory of puzzling my life back together because I think I’m ready to talk about that for a while. And it may not be that profound, but I think it will be just fine. I hope you agree.

So here we go! My kids go back to school next week and SO DO I!!! I’m finally doing what I’ve said I have wanted to do for the last ten years. I will be exploring my own interests and creativity. Just for its own sake. To play. To experience some of that joy that Julia Cameron has been telling me about these past twelve weeks in her book, The Artist’s Way.

But more about that later!

PS: I did end up finishing and posting "Low Pressure Area" and if you're interested, you can find it here. I put it on that blog because there are more details of a personal nature! Shhhhh!

© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

Something Miraculous

Determined to be Queen shares...

Wow! Where does the time go? I think I’m starting to understand what “time flies when you’re having fun” means! Now, if you know me in person, you might be scratching your head right now.

Huh? She’s been having “fun” this past week?

Without going into all the gory details, I can tell you that it’s been a most challenging set of days since my last post. Complete with fits of anger, tears, and long phone calls to dear hearts who understand the real me. But I can honestly say it’s been a FABULOUS week! Why? Because I asked for this.

So to speak.

I want answers, after all. Big answers. To big questions about myself and where I want my life to go. And in order to get answers, you have to open up your heart to any possibility of a reply. I think a lot of times, we say we want answers, but then we try to dictate how we would like that memo to read.

For instance, I wanted to know why I was still having problems in my love relationship. The same spots kept sticking no matter how much grease I gave them. I asked, “What’s wrong?” But then I sat around stewing and expecting him to figure out how wrong he was and how I was doing all the work (after all, I kept offering him suggestions!). I wanted the Universe to teach him a lesson so that I could have what I wanted in a relationship. I mean, it was mostly his fault. If he’d just listen to me, everything would be fine, right?

(On the animal scale of learner’s aptitude, I would probably top out at “mule” level.)

So last week, as part of a spiritual exploration course I am taking, I had to write affirmations. The idea behind an affirmation is that we stop the cycle of abuse raging loudly, or quietly, in our minds by giving that voice a new script—one that acknowledges peace and happiness are just one choice, one decision, away. It’s really all in how we decide things are. Essentially, nothing is good or bad until we make that judgment for ourselves.

Appropriately then, one of my affirmations is: “I am happily married.” I wanted to make this choice because I felt like these recurring issues have been the biggest stumbling block on the path of my personal achievement. How could I have a career if my relationship kept knocking the wind out of me?

Well, this past week, with this new decision in the script of my mind, I had a life-altering moment of epiphany—with a capital “E”. I mean…it was HUGE! I finally wrapped my mind around the idea that what I dislike in my partner is what I dislike in myself. (I know, I know, the three-finger rule all over again!) Of course, I had thought I understood that, but, let’s put it this way, apparently I only understood it when it was easy! But this?! This was sooooooo hard!

But also fantastically healing!

This memo about my still being stuck in the blame game, about being selfish even when I thought I wasn’t, about addictively hanging on to trouble to avoid change, this memo was not the answer I wanted to hear. Like I said, I was hoping that the heavens would open up and my husband would miraculously accommodate me and my idea of “the way things should be.” But that’s what is so great about miracles—they come unexpectedly.

But maybe that’s not entirely true. No, it’s not true at all. In fact, the only time miracles happen is when they are expected. Think of the stories of Jesus’ miracles. About the woman who was healed, just by touching the edge of his cloak. Why? Because she believed. That’s another way of saying expected. She knew—she had faith—that if she could just touch it, she’d be healed.

My husband and I talked about miracles and how they always seem to be a function of the believer. Think about those televised evangelist shows where people are instantly healed (if you haven’t actually seen a faith healing in person, that is). Those people believe they will be healed and they step forward to receive their miracle. Think about all the people who find out that their cancer has “miraculously” disappeared. They believe they can survive it. Think about Jesus’ own words on almost every occasion of a miracle: “Do you believe?”*

Well...do you?

Whatever you truly believe you have, is yours.

And I finally get it! I really understand!

How about you?

Try it this week. Choose. Decide. Have the peace that passes all understanding. It’s yours.


© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

*Jesus said to the woman who touched his cloak: "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." (Mark 5:24-34)

Finding Something to Say

Determined to be Queen shares...

Sometimes I get this feeling and I just can’t speak. It’s like a wall, or a dam, and not even a trickle of a thought can get by it. That’s how I’ve felt about writing this blog for the past week and a half. Normally, I would have had strong words for myself about being a “wimp” or a “baby” or some other pejorative to indicate my inability to act appropriately—my failure to act at all, as it were. But this time, I used the opportunity to understand a pattern.

I believe that most of us could admit to having a natural rhythm of ebb and flow, like the tides. Sometimes we come rushing in at our life, full of energy and powerful strokes, and then we back off a bit, regroup or tone down some of the intensity, and then come back at it for another push. We wake and sleep. We have lots of verve and then go limp on the couch. We’re happy. We’re sad. It’s humanly impossible to keep barreling through life, full steam ahead, 24/7!! Frankly, we just need to vary the pace—regularly—to survive it at all.

This idea so often eludes the perfectionist in me. I want it all, all the time, all the way. No wonder I’ve spent so much time being exhausted!!! (I’m really starting to see the “woman who [does] too much” in me!)

However, I’m pleased to tell you that I spent the week and a half of blogging silence enjoying the heck out of my life and not worrying about when my next post would be. I let myself believe that the post would come when it needed to. (There’s always another post in me somewhere, right?) I went with the flow, dude, and I must say, IT ROCKED!!!

I was able to spend two whole days preparing my daughter’s 15th birthday celebration. I continued to do my workouts and follow my diet (ok, except for a few indulgences, but that’s another story). I went to an all-day seminar. I started taking a course with my husband (yay!!). I watched a movie by myself during the work day (formerly a big “no-no”). I talked to some friends on the phone, or went and had tea. I paid the bills, bought some groceries, cleaned a little and played with the dog. I even went to the Houston Rodeo for the very first time! In short, I just lived my simple, quiet life and enjoyed it. I didn’t judge it or rush it or over-schedule it or beat myself up because it wasn’t perfect.

I honestly think that I was about twenty-eight years old before I realized how much mental time and space I had devoted to expecting my every thought, word, and deed, to be perfect; although I never used the word “perfect.” I thought about improving things. Oh, this can be better next time and that could be more efficient! I could be more patient or the house could be neater—at least more often! I thought I was challenging myself to be better and to do more, and isn’t achievement and growth a good thing? Why would learning from today and making it better tomorrow be a negative endeavor? Well, it’s not; at least, not in theory anyway.

But when life holds no true enjoyment; no, not enjoyment...but what? When you can never feel satisfied—or when you don’t know what that means—then perfectionism has its hooks in you. I’ve had to learn what being satisfied means over the last decade or so. For me, it means to be able to be still and survey the scene with a smile and an inner “Aahhhhhh!” No judgment (straighten this, add that)…no anxiety (how long will this last?)…no worry (surely something isn’t quite right with this picture)…no expectation (I wonder if this will happen again soon)…no blame (this could have been better if you or someone else had only…)…no nothing…just PEACE—the kind that makes your face beam and your eyes twinkle.

That’s the space where there is no wall. No dam either. And in that moment, there’s no need to say anything at all.


© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

Where Am I? How Did I Get Here?

Determined to be Queen shares…

Have you ever awakened from a dream, and peered out between your lazy, drooping eyelids, only to feel a sudden chill or thrill of energy run through your entire body? You might even have reflexively braced yourself with fingers splayed and flat palms clapping down on the mattress as you passed through that initial moment of confusion…of feeling as though you are waking in a strange place. Sometimes that happens to us because we are actually away from home, and during the night, the memory of the unfamiliar has been replaced with the warm fuzzy feelings we associate with sleeping at home in the comfort of our own beds. But sometimes it happens in our comfy beds at home, surrounded by everything we know, with all as it should be—or, at least, as we think it should be.

I suppose it is much the same as the archetypal dream of entering a crowded room filled with strangers, acquaintances, and perhaps loved ones…who suddenly begin to laugh at us and point. Yes, you know the one…the naked entrance dream. Dreams like that one have played out in so many of our minds because we are concerned about how others feel about us. I think that the feeling underlying the “where am I” dream comes from that same primal reservoir of fear—it’s a fear of being lost or forsaken, perhaps even a fear that our concept of reality is not true—we aren’t where we think we are in life.

More often than not, however, we have the sensation of “where am I?” during waking moments of introspection. It is the signpost we encounter when we begin to seek a conscious path towards a goal that, at first, may only seem like an inner longing or a stirring of our soul. We may say, “What is that uncomfortable feeling?” Many of us ignore that discomfort and hint of desire brewing deep down inside—for years. But oh! When we finally hear it, and cock our heads slightly to the side and listen to it…. When we let it speak, and engage that small voice in conversation…. When we truly hear what the voice has to tell us, then the whole world opens up!

That is the point at which you join me here. My whole world just lit up like daybreak at midnight! Previously, I’d heard bits and pieces of what the voice was saying, but I manipulated it like a Magic 8 Ball, asking it for speedy answers to essentially yes or no questions. I hushed it when it tried to suggest another alternative, or to remind me of my true heart’s desire—in its desperate attempt to save me from martyring myself with the limited choices I regularly used to barricade my dreams. I’d heard other Queens speak of that magical, transforming moment…the point of no return that they could identify as signifying surrender to their heart of hearts’ desires, but I just never felt it. I thought that I’d had mini-breakthroughs along the way, but nothing ever seemed truly life-altering or long-lasting.

I find myself wanting to describe this transformation by likening it to becoming “born again.” I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories of people who have attended church for years, out of dedication, habit, or just plain love, but who never feel a fire burning inside. Good people who start out good and continue on that path, being servant-like and pious, but not finding that deep spiritual connection.

So that was me. Queen Camellia told me about Queen Power, and her friend Allyn, and how really great women-sharing was happening and was inspiring to her. So I checked it out and thought it was pretty nifty! But I was worn out and didn’t feel like I had time to “play” on the forums. I gave myself a queen name and said hello, signed up for the newsletter, and downloaded the ebook, Catch Your Dream and Live It, read a little bit, but then that was pretty much the end of it. Low and behold, though, Allyn needed a newsletter editor and Donna recommended me. She knew I needed something and knew I’d be amenable to that kind of assistance. So, I became the editor.

Now I had an “official” reason to read the newsletters—from head to toe, and without fail! I really enjoyed them! And I always thought to myself that it was nice to have a “reason”—in my busy world—to read them each week. I started soaking up the message…this Queen thing really made sense, and it sounded great. But it was easy to slip back into that voyeuristic mode and my Eeyore doldrums and think, “Those women are so much better than I am. I’m not like them. I can’t live my dream…heck, I don’t even have a dream. Dreams are frivolous when you have to take care of two kids on your own.” But I kept listening—secretly. I let the Eeyore part of my brain complain and the dreamer (Pooh?) imagine how lovely the honey would taste if I could just stick my whole paw or muzzle into the pot! (There will be more about Pooh later!)

But I got to the point where a little voice started to rebel. It said things like, “You’re always helping everyone else do what they want—you never DO anything yourself. You’re always the maid and the cook, and the sidekick, the grader, the editor…you aren’t WRITING your own stuff.” Of course, that voice was quickly countered with, “Well, you don’t have anything to write about anyway. These women have it all covered. And that science fiction book you want to write? Bah! Kid’s stuff. Besides, you don’t know how to write a book, and no…you can’t learn now, it’s too late. I don’t care what those women say, it doesn’t apply to YOU.” Ouch, huh? Mean and nasty little critter voices in there!

I started to walk away from Queen Power because I was busy…because I thought my “dream job” was in the wings…because I felt so darn inadequate and out of the queenly loop. But even as I began to pull away…I realized I missed it. And then when the job didn’t materialize, well, then something wonderful happened—Queen Power sponsored its very first teleclass! I thought about listening in, and I almost chickened out, but Queen Me said the right thing at the right time, and I made it a date!

Christine Louise Hohlbaum talked about finding a dream and living a passion-driven life. Everything she said made sense, but it was what I didn’t expect her to talk about that caught my attention. The discussion turned towards how to deal with negative people. Christine said, “The people who are the most negative are the ones who want what you have. They are jealous.” Wow! My mind whisked back over all of the little nasty voice words I’d heard in my head about me not being like the other queens, and I knew! I was a negative person and I was jealous because I wasn’t living my dreams! (I was boo-hooing on my end of the muted phone line by this time!)

One of the other ladies on the phone had worked with Christine to find her passion—her dream—and she had had to make the discovery that she did NOT want to teach—it wasn’t her dream. I heard that, and I thought of myself, but I said, “NAAAAH! Now you are just thinking that this stuff has to be complicated. And you’ve just spent all this time convincing yourself that teaching is your dream! And besides, you aren’t like them and everyone can’t be a writer just because they want to!” (Darn those little voices!!!) Well, Christine also happened to mention an author she respected a whole lot—Cherie Carter-Scott, author of If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules, among others.

This is where the full miracle began to unfold. I looked Cherie up on Amazon.com and saw that she’d written a book called Negaholics. I took the quiz online and scored 98 out of 100—with 100 being a sure sign that you are entirely engaged in a negaholic lifestyle! More tears!!! So…off to the bookstore I went. To make a long story a little bit shorter, I ended up plopping myself down on the floor in the self-help section of Half-Price Books and browsing. I bought two of Cherie’s books, Stephen Covey’s First Things First, and the book that is helping me snap out of my Eeyore ways— Your Own Worst Enemy: Breaking the Habit of Adult Underachievement, by Kenneth W. Christian, Ph.D.

After reading Negaholics and starting in on Your Own Worst Enemy, I could feel something wriggling to break free from the mental chains of my mind. And then it all came to a climax when I started in on the written exercises. My first response was “UH-OH!” when I got to the freewriting exercise that asked, “What would you do that you are not doing now, or have not done, if success were 100 percent guaranteed?” In my 90 second allotment, I wrote that I would write—that science fiction story/novel, poetry, blog articles, a dissertation. It was all about writing—not teaching. I was actually astonished to find out that my mind quickly divulged that secret, and the unrecognized motivation for avoiding writing. I was afraid to fail! No wonder I couldn’t write!

Suddenly, it was as if I were dying… my whole life seemed to flash before my eyes. Ok, not the whole thing, but all the decisions that had taken me away from my dreams AND all the dreams I’d ever spoken that had to do with writing. I even saw, all together, all the times that I became semi-conscious of the fact that, through teaching, I was helping my students overcome the obstacles that keep me from writing. Or rather, I should say that I was constantly frustrated when they did NOT follow my advice and exhibited behaviors that I now see as a mirror reflection of my writing issues—waiting until the last minute, avoiding, not revising, waiting for perfection to come out rather than writing lots and lots of whatever and then playing with it. And I also could see that I so admire the students who play and explore and write like they never knew they could write after taking my advice. Advice I wouldn’t even take myself!

You know…I think part of the reason Queen Power was so attractive AND so intimidating to me is because there are so many women who write. (What a way to put your hidden dream in bas relief!!!) And so many successful women! I felt very small. But you know what? These women felt small at some point, and they remember that. They are generous and gracious and sharing—there is so much to be learned here! Everyone has a different dream, but the common thread is pursuing that dream! I thought I felt left out because I wasn’t a “success,” but I’ve realized that it was because I didn’t know what my dream was. And it can take a while to find it.

I am still working steadily on defining my dreams and turning them into goals with action to back them up and achieve them, but I can tell you that it feels like I live in a whole new world now that I am allowing myself to dream. I wouldn’t give up my teaching experiences, and I will be teaching until further notice from my dream plans, but now I know that it’s not just ok to have a dream—it’s imperative! Again…like the conversion refrain in that familiar hymn: “I once was lost, but now am found—was blind, but now I see!”

Stay tuned for more of the unfolding of my journey to the Queendom!


© Nicole J. Williams, 2005, all rights reserved

http://www.queenpower.com/
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