Love, or Something Like It*

Determined to be Queen shares...

Karen Carpenter’s lyrics poked at yet another of my sore spots on Monday.

During the bridge, Carpenter says that when she gets these blues—the ones when she wants to quit because “nothing ever seems to fit”—she runs to “find the one who loves” her. But more than that, she suggests that she needs someone else to make her feel better. She can’t seem to console herself. This is a classic sign of the relationship addict. I, too, have found that the chemicals of love can be just as effective as anything in food, alcohol, or drugs. The highs and lows, the mood swings, the delusions of either grandeur or insignificance are one and the same.

Hello, my name is Nicole Williams, and I am a love-aholic.

It hasn’t been very long at all since I tried to control my love interest or felt personally out of control where my emotions are concerned. But the first step is in realizing that I have a problem, and that I am NOT in control. In addition, what I’m learning this year is that I’m just not the victim I think I am.

I’ve been in relationships that might be termed “toxic,” on some level at least, for the past 20 years. I learned early on that “like attracts like,” but it took one failed marriage to really see what that means. It’s like the three finger rule—on crack! (see my blog on Feb. 8th for an explanation of the three finger rule!)

It took a couple years, after the divorce, to realize that I shared in 50% of the responsibility of that relationship. It was easier to point fingers at the behaviors of my partner because they were obviously “bad” ones. Only later did I realize that my bad behavior was just in stealth mode. Not because I intended to hide anything, but because that was the nature of my part of the problem. I had been involved with persons who had extroverted their anger, making it look like I introverted mine.

But I didn’t know this until the Universe served me up another mirroring soul, one more like me. I looked like the feeling extrovert in comparison this time. That’s when the light dawned and I saw myself in a whole new way. I had to take responsibility for my role in the relationship, and I worked on that for a good long time.

Deep below the surface of all of these relationship lessons I was learning, though, there was another current to be reckoned with. What about ME? All the years that most of us spend “finding” ourselves were spent finding group answers. With very few answers about who I was as an individual. Wife and mother were always at the top of the daily to-do list, but that put me below dirty dishes and folding laundry. Needless to say, I was exhausted by the time I got that far, so I kept postponing those me-centered pursuits.

Motherhood tends to have this effect, or so I’ve heard! And it’s true that wives often feel that they compromise more often than the husbands. So what’s “wrong” with that? Nothing at all. And that’s exactly what I held onto for all these years that I’ve been a wife and a mother. But something clicked along the way and I saw that I have, oftener than not, used my dedication to avoid probing my own depths.

In other words, whenever it starts to look like I might have to make my own way and express myself as an individual, I slink back into the comfort zone of my relationships…especially partner love. For me, loving a man is the perfect thrill ride for my insecurity, self-doubt, and fear of failure to set in motion, hoping to keep the focus on things outside the self. Do you love me? Do you need me? Do you want me? Does your world revolve around me?

Ok, right now, this seems pretty serious. But hey, don’t we all do this at one time or another? I bet we all do! But there’s a subtle difference between any substance use and abuse. Use and ab-use. Engagement v. Compulsion. Even good things like exercise and a career and, yes, love relationships can be ab-used. It’s the spirit behind the emphasis.

For me, I just happened to notice that I’ve spent a lot of time using the slings and arrows of insecurity and blame and focusing on the motes in my partners’ eyes to avoid myself. Keeping the instability going and feeling like a victim has created a world of fear that I’ve lived in because it gave me something to fight with or flee from. It’s like a constant state of war. Of death and destruction. Living like that isn’t really living at all.

So now it’s time to create and connect. To take responsibility for myself. To live from the inside out. To be free and fully alive.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


© Nicole J. Williams, 2007, all rights reserved.

*I just found out today that this is the title of a Kenny Rogers song. I think the spirit of the refrain fits my idea about addiction to love: “Something's got a hold on me/It's cheap but it ain' free/Love or somethin’ like it's got a hold on me.”